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Aug. 21st, 2008

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aww, Princess

I always feel better when I make plans.
I have a goal.
I have a way to make money, which I can buy things and food.
I have Xine, allowing me to help her around her house, and which she also helps me emotionally.

I think I'm going to be fine.

Aug. 20th, 2008

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"I nothing you"

Nothing, what a horrible word.
Feeling that nothing matters, and that nothing good will come.....nothing.
When someone says nothing....I think about being numb and full of void.
Sadness leading to misunderstanding what someone has said to you.
Having this one person nothing you is like being stuck, and you can't more, or talk or feel anything.
You feel nothing.
And no one cares.....
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I fail.

I hate making friends.

They just fade away. In such short time, they fade...


Fuck it. it's worthless...

Aug. 13th, 2008

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Nice.

I feel so beautiful...

Aug. 10th, 2008

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Survey

What's your name?
Samantha Fucking Shameless


Okay, but what does your best male friend call you?
All my boys call me Cup-Cake

How many pillows on your bed?
four

Who's the last person you texted?
Michael

Is there someone you can't stop thinking about?
Uh, yeah <3


What was the best thing that happened to you last year?
Moving away from Rocky


Do any of your friends annoy you?
I don't have friends

Who was the last person to make you laugh?
I'm not too sure

Do you like Quiznos?
Never been there

Who do you make fun of the most?
Everyone else and myself.

What's the longest you've ever talked on the phone?
omg, like a hour on the phone with Dan lol.

Do you think you've gotten prettier since grade school?
Hellz yeah.

Have you seen your best friend cry?
Ian cries.


Where did you last go out to eat?
Nara Sushi

Do you dance in the car?
Yeah, i've almost crashed while doing so.

Do you and your best friend act alike?
Eh, Bree and I act more alike than anyone else I know.


What is a noise that you cannot stand?
I'm not sure, do you want to find out...


Where did you get your last bruise from?
Being drunk and falling down like a retard

Who is in your house right now besides yourself?
Ian


Have you ever thought you were gonna die?
Yes, about 4 times.

How do you like your steak?
Med-Well please.

Do you have a hard time admitting you're wrong?
No, I'm always wrong, I'm a women

What shoes did you wear today?
shoes

What color is your laundry basket?
black

Do you own any Hollister polos?
wha..?

Can you skateboard?
Yes a bit.


Did you go on MySpace from school?
I don't go to school

Have your parents seen your MySpace page?
Yes, my mother is always asking if my pictures are me, it's cute.


How much money do you have on you right now?
none

Do you prefer comments or messages?
i don't care


How's life?
It's going..


If someone were to tell you they like you right now, would you care?
Yeah...it's cool if people like me.

What's your favorite flower?
Flowers? I don't see those much, but if I did want some my fav. are Red Roses [DUH] and those White Roses with Pink trim

Where are you right now?
Living room


Where do you keep your money?
purse.


Where were you at 2:02am this morning?
Sleeping....


Last place you took a plane to?
I have never been on a plane

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
My mother and father

Do you wear glasses?
No, contacts.

What are you looking forward to in the next two months?
Getting my raise <3

Is the sun shining?
naw

What are you doing tomorrow?
Washing clothes, calling Dan and going to band practice

If someone looked on your bed, what would they find?
Sheets and pillows....and a cute little kitten named Midna


What would someone find UNDER your bed?
Clothes that need to be washed.

When was the last time you saw a cop?
Today at the river...

Can you recall the last time you liked someone a lot?
I really adore that someone right now <3

Aug. 9th, 2008

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"All of my dreams..."

"You know what? Kill me. Go ahead. I'm ready!!! Do it!! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!!!"

Aug. 7th, 2008

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Looking towards being disapointed.

Updates on my living issues: They seem to be in the progress of fixing my apartment. I have to ask for a new one, I can't live like this.

I was edging on a fight last night...which means, I wanted to beat the fuck out of some girl that I don't even know, but I know enough about her: what her name is, and she talks shit about me and she's dating my ex husband while she's dating someone else. I don't even know why it bothered me so much...I think I just wanted some entertainment. So she started dancing on the floor and I decided to dance NEXT to her. That's my gay way of saying "Opps, did I just straight up punch you in the fucking face? I'm sorry...lets take this outside" I've done this before...and I'm known for it. Punching girls on the dance floor. It makes me feel real....But I left it alone, and realized it wouldn't be worth it and that I was being stupid.
I lack entertainment these days. Not drama so much, but real entertainment. I'm bored...I need something new. Something to make me feel beautiful and powerful and worth something...and never less, remembered.
I'm lonely and unamused.

I need to drink....
I need to think....

Aug. 3rd, 2008

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Baltimore, MD. The flood.

Going to Baltimore, MD was great. The trip wasn't bad at all.
The city looked sooo beautiful from the HIghway....but, we didn't have a very good welcome:
I wanted to walk around the city before we went to see Thoushaltnot at the club. Ian and I walked around for a few blocks right up until we had a gang of little black children, and I do mean children, no bigger than 10 year olds, ride around us throwing rocks or something. So, being the bitch that I am got in their faces and was pissed. As soon as the last little fuck biked off into the dark alley, he threw a huge, glass liquor bottle at me. I stepped back just at bit, just for it to land on my big ass platforms and shatter. Then I got scared...and we walked faster.
I kinda thought it was funny, but really odd at the same time. I only heard of these small child gangs in Russia.
Ian and I hurried to the club after that exciting welcome to Maryland. We walked in to find Peters [Ians older brother] ex-wife all smashed by the bar, excited to see Ian. I rolled my eyes and ordered a shot. Which by the way, Baltimore waters down their shit. I didn't want any drama that night with anyone, knowing that our family had had an issue with a few people there. I was nice and open minded. Peters' ex-wife would not shut up about Peter, and I was getting pissed asking Ian to just get a drink with me and help me forget that she was talking shit. I tried....but I just had to walk away.
Michael was the first person I knew there, and we hung out and talked. Ian and I enjoyed his company very much.
Dan later showed up and we talked about people and talked about playing a show together, I adore him. I wish he lived closer <333
I also got to be close with Thoushaltnot, in which I told them I wanted to play a show with them, so they stuck around us and were kind, talked and talked and talked. <333 I totally love the drummer as well, he's just as short as I am.
Rick was taking forever to get there and didn't show up until Thoushaltnot was almost done playing.
Rick is a good friend of mine, and a big sweetie, so it was good to see him.
We gave the Ricks a ride home and had a blast the whole night <3


Our appartment flooded for the third time in two months. I'm so fucking pissed. I had to get Ian to handle these fucks before I tore them apart. So here we are, like retards, waiting for them to fix it. It's going to take them ANOTHER FUCKING 2 weeks to fix it. I got sick last time because of the mold, and if I get sick again, I'm them pay for our rent for at least two months. This is stupid. They only took 200.00 off our rent last time for our inconvenience. errr...

Aug. 1st, 2008

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This show is going to amazing



You must go!!!

Jul. 29th, 2008

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I'll be with you all the time...

While driving home yesterday from work, I had this odd flashback of Rocky...it's not like it was a bad one, it was good...and I started crying. Why? I don't fucking know. Maybe it's because I try too hard to think that he was a good person when he really isn't. No one believes me, and they think I'm crazy. I was with that man for 5 years, I think I know him better than any of those people would. "Oh, but Rocky is sooooo sweet". Yeah, don't you mean he fucks you good? slut.
Well, this just proves I need to get him out of my head and I also need to stop thinking about us splitting up.Rick is right, I talk about him too much. It's been over a year, I should be done with this...

Morgueasm canceled the show for Sunday due to assholes and children. It's okay, we all went to a dive bar and eat and drink then back to Xines to drink more. Then home. Dave Brockie [from Gwar] was supposed to come by, but he was busy fucking midgets <3 The band promised him a lap dance form a whore they picked up on the street, the whore was me.

I'm going to Maryland Friday for a show, and to hang out with some friends I know up there. That should keep my mind at ease.

The movie Morgueasm is in is up and running, in which I will be posting that here soon. Until then, here is a Morgueasm picture for you all to enjoy.



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